BEFORE YOU GO RUNNING BACK TO YOUR EX

Check out my second Thought Catalog piece. :)

Before You Go Running Back To Your Ex

Breaking up sucks. Whether it's saying goodbye to your high school sweetheart turned long term partner or going cold turkey on someone who sorta is/sorta not your boyfriend; whether you've been together - Facebook official or not - for 3 weeks or 3 years, breaking up sucks.

And on some days, it's gonna suck even more. You hear the Ellie Goulding song that was playing in the background when you first realized you were in love (or some semblance of), you pass by "your" brunch spot, you see a Friends re-run, or you stumble across some random relationship memorabilia. You were fine then suddenly you're bursting in tears singing along with Ellie "love me like you do, love me, love me like you do".

Before you start running back to your ex, let me first give you a harsh reality check.

It's called a break-up because something was broken. Surely there is a reason why you decided to call it quits.

Yes, it's one thing to be sad about cutting ties with a person you've grown close and rather quite fond of (for the most part), but add in the person you were supposed to backpack through Europe with or to have a white picket fence with? It's a whole 'nother ball game. Truth is, heart aches become 10x more painful as we weep over the possibilities that came with that someone. Yes, we break up with an actual person, but we also let go of hopes, dreams, and plans. Although you may argue that it's impossible not to mourn losing both, I am urging you not to let the maybes cloud your judgment of the what is. Your imagined scenarios are designed to be flawless – they’re filled with your ideals. Remember that although your what if’s are possible, they aren't 100% certain. What is real is now and the fact that it isn't working.

Who said anything about wanting to get back together?! I just wanted to inform him that there's a Friends marathon on TV/our brunch place is under renovation/I found the earphones I thought I'd lost. I mean, what's wrong with that?! 

LOTS. It goes to show that he's still your main man, and by now, he shouldn't be. In doing so, you are positioning yourself in a lose-lose situation - either he gives you the cold shoulder or he invites you back to a burning house. I’m not saying that you'll never be friends, but if you just broke up, it's best to give yourselves some time and space. And if you really need to talk about these things to someone, share it on Twitter or Facebook instead.

Ok fine, I'm a hopeless romantic. I want to make it work.

Honey, you're being hopeless. Period. A true romantic would look for someone who brings butterflies and fireworks, someone who will love you the way you want to be loved. A real hopeless romantic will not settle. So cut the crap, and have faith that you will find the love you deserve. 

But he can change! 

You've said that how many times before you actually decided to end things? And did he really? Are you supposed to just wait and wait forever because maybe he'll change? Who are you kidding?! Yes, maybe he can change, but the question is, does he want to? We try to hold on to possibilities but in reality, we're closing ourselves off actual opportunities.

But I can change! 

If you're gonna settle and choose to live a life you dislike all for the sake of keeping him around, fine. Run back to him! But as you change back your relationship status and start counting the likes, are you honest to goodness happy? Trying to be someone you're not takes a lot more effort than being who you really are. As you sacrifice bits and pieces of your identity, sooner or later, you're gonna find an empty vacuum where your soul used to be. At this point, finding your happiness will be close to impossible as you wouldn’t even be able to define who “you” are, more so what makes “you” happy.

But I can be a better person! 

Sooooo, you were the one who sucked the first round, ey? Read the above points again, and if you've come to the same conclusion that you can be better not just because your ex has turned into an ideal, or because looking back, you feel like it was actually not bad, and it's something you can "live with" - but because you feel that what you had was great, that he was an amazing person and it's just dumb to let him go, then it’s time you get off the computer and figure out your core issues. What made you distant? What made you snap? Talk openly about these and importantly, talk about what you’re gonna do about it. Because if you want to run back to your ex, you don’t just anyhow drop everything and go after him at the slightest discomfort of being single. You think it through with your head and for the heart. When you do decide that it’s worth another go, make your way towards him with meaning and purpose in each stride and hope to God he meets you halfway – preferably sprinting.