I SAW FIREWORKS FROM BEHIND CLOSED EYES

IT’S THE FOURTH OF JULY, and I am feeling hopeful. Not that I’m an American celebrating Independence Day, but because looking back, I’ve had a couple of milestones that took place on July 4. There’s a quote in The Alchemist, “Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.” So, today I was looking out if maybe a third would present itself in 2020. 

You see back in 2012, I went on a one-way flight to Singapore. That day marked a scary and exciting new chapter. As much as life was fine and dandy in Manila, I knew I would regret not going for that opportunity. In the words of Mr Bogart, “Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon and for the rest of your life.” It ultimately changed the trajectory of life as I knew it. From living the freelance lifestyle, I became bound to a desk day in and day out. From fashion to freight, from styling to customer service. But more than that, there was ultimately the molding of the person I would be – independent and open – and the reinforcement of the person I was – family oriented, social, and nagged by the desire to do more. 

In 2019, I got bangs. And man, I know it sounds so trivial but getting bangs was empowering. I’ve been toying with the idea of getting bangs with most people telling me it wasn’t a good idea, but then I was just like, fuck it, I’m gonna do it. It’s gonna grow back anyway. So I got bangs. On a weekday. During my lunch break. And it was the best decision ever. 

In both wildly different scenarios, I was scared and unsure, but I pushed through. And it became defining moments for me. I look back at both instances and the moment of action jumps at the forefront but there was so much more than that. There was that desire to make a change but also there was anxiety, uncertainty, and fear. Deliberation was long and hard coz what if I mess this up?!!?! But ultimately, there was honesty – What do I really want? Can I live with myself if I don’t go for it? – and a huge amount of faith that even if I mess it up, God and the Universe has my back. Coz as much as being brave is a feat in itself – sometimes courage isn’t enough to get you what you want. I should know, I have my share of dumbest/bravest things ever on those days. 

There was no flash of light nor a major life change today (but maybe coz Mercury is still in retrograde, haha) but there were baby steps of trying to take control, no, wait – we all know that doesn’t really happen, more of steering life into the direction aligned with my values, hopes and dreams. I’ve been reading more, writing more, praying more, talking to people I love more. I’ve been working on myself more – physically through exercise and sleep, and emotionally through therapy. I’ve been opening up and allowing people to see the imperfections and vulnerabilities. I’m trying to be comfortable in the face of said imperfections and vulnerabilities – it’s a process from Point A to B that is more of a spiral than a straight line. Today saw baby steps and not a leap and it’s still just as exciting coz I know it is done in faith – faith in the Universe, faith in Fate, and faith in myself. Stepping stones are just as important as mile stones. You need the dark to see fireworks, and sometimes, even if you can’t see it for yourself, you just know that fireworks abound – especially when it’s the fourth of July.

“Whether it will ever be recognizable by anyone else I don’t know, but I feel that great new things are happening very quietly inside me. And I know these things have a way, like the maple tree, of finally bursting out in some form.”

-Corita Kent

PS – check out this post from 2016.