DEAR YOU (A CLOSING LETTER)

DEAR YOU,

THIS LETTER HAS BEEN A YEAR IN THE MAKING. A year because this letter entails a certain finality that I’ve been avoiding, because my general fear of making the wrong decision sometimes paralyses me, and at the same time because this ultimately means letting YOU go, forealz. It took a year, but here I am finally typing this down and meaning every single word.. and it’s fitting, because the first ever post I wrote with you in mind was called Dear You (An Open Letter).

I wrote it when we were still in the grey. I remember it was after the CV function, all of were in the Hyatt lobby, waiting for our boss’ car that inspiration struck and I found myself typing away on my phone. I wanted to honor the greys. The pwede but may kulang, the ok naman but not quite, the yeeeeah but. I knew I was starting to like you more than I should but I wasn’t sure where you stood, yet everyone was rooting for us even if we weren’t. For me, if it did, then great; if not, then it’s okay too. I was living out the “just not that into you” mindset, and I thought you fell into that category and I was at peace with that. So I was celebrating that type, and I quote, “This open letter is to celebrate those failures and rejections. It is a personal tribute to all the you’s and me, whether or not we became an “us”, regardless whether you were in my life for an hour or a year. To all the should’ves, would’ves, could’ves. This is for saving each other the trouble of prolonged agony when we knew that something was missing. This is for letting each other go and becoming available to someone else who will hopefully, want this/you/me with an equally matched intensity.”

But we eventually found out that we were into each other and it was happy while it lasted. There’s no point diving into the reasons why, it’s just that we were happy until we weren’t. We tried until we were just not that into trying anymore. And as much as we tried holding on and contorting to the new mold we found ourselves in, the shift had already began.

And so now we’ve come full circle.

Why do people break up? Because they don’t want it anymore. “Simply put, we didn’t want it. The drama, the baggage, the risks, the relationship. Or sometimes, we didn’t want it enough. I didn’t want you enough. You didn’t want me enough. No amount of compatibility is going to negate that. Because the thing about will is, choices are done freely. You can’t will yourself something you don’t want; that would be forcing yourself. Love is an act of will, not force.”

And so I find myself here, in this final act of will. My heart is at peace as I tell you this: I wish you all the best this life can give. Success, wealth, good health, happiness and someone you can share all of life’s goodness with – a partner, a complement, a match. It’s not me but there will be someone out there for you. And I am sure you will find her, the same way that I am sure I will find him. I pray you don’t lose hope because you of all people are deserving of that great love. Stop shortchanging yourself because you say it’s your karma, that you’ve made your bed and you now must lie in it, because you, my dear, have already righted your wrongs to the universe a long time ago when you were with me. We’re all out to find each other’s persons, don’t waste the heartache we endured by falling into the same patterns because of fear or impatience. You are an amazing person and one day, not only will someone out there recognize your brilliance straight away, she will make you shine brighter than ever. And cheesy as it is, just the fact that you two are together will make the world a somewhat better place.

This letter is to celebrate those hopes and dreams. A personal tribute to the people we chose over each other, even if things have been going okay for us and we weren’t even sure, me especially, that such ideals could be real. People who will make us forget that the should’ves, would’ves, could’ves ever existed. People who will make sense of the confusion, God’s plan, and whatever way you want to describe the here and now. Those two people we’ve let each other go to become available for. Those someones who will want this/you/me with an equally matched intensity. You will find her, L. My heart is hopeful that you will find true love and genuine happiness. My heart is certain that we’d, in time, find each other’s happiest.

Love,
Me