MORE THAN I CAN TELL

♬

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they’ve got planned
♬

It’s 1pm on a Sunday, and here I am panicking that my “life” is ending. Technically, my life isn’t ending, but I have been so consumed with work lately that I feel like I haven’t been actually living. Weekends are supposed to be mine, to be lived fully, but I look at the clock and I’m reminded that I only have half a day left (of which I still have to squeeze in time to update EDI, but who am I to complain since a) I brought it upon myself and b) it’s only a one time thing) and I still haven’t done anything that is for me and me alone. So quick solution? Write something. Leave a mark and exert my me-ness to the world.

It’s sad how “real life” for me is contained in only 2 out of 7 days a week. I know that’s how being an adult goes – responsibilities and whatnot. But part of me is still itching for something more. Something that will breathe life even into the hustle and the mundane. The commute alone drains me even before the actual work day, and I feel like a zombie – commute – work – commute – sleep – repeat. And I know I shouldn’t complain coz I have it much better than other people. I am thankful. Really, I am. But my heart is also restless and antsy and I want to give way to my hopes and dreams even if I am told to just be content where I am.

I guess that’s one of the reasons I love being away from Manila. I no longer have to limit myself to other people’s expectations of me. I can be me. And although one might argue that “you can still be you in Manila, Reg“, it’s not that simple. “You’re overthinking, you should just speak up and voice these things out“, but the moment you do, you’re classified as ungrateful, crazy, or both.

I am sorting out the next steps for the rest of my life. It hasn’t been as peachy as I’d hoped – it’s quite pricey too! – but I am determined as ever to take reins and direct its course. Because life is already happening as we speak. It’s what we make of our time here that defines it. The weekend might be ending, but my best possible life is just beginning. 

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